I'm at the store buying plan b and vodka
the cocktail of hope
he was persistant. I supposedly owe him a bj from high school.
just got hammed at grandma and grampas 30th aniversary bash .. from the looks i was getting im guessing i wont be seeing an inheritance ...
I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
I walked into his room and he was naked with a half eaten pecan pie and a bottle of wine.
We are going out Saturday. Oh and we might also be jousting on bikes.
Well see how he likes it when I randomly start crying and saying my dads name during sex I WILL RUIN ALL HIS FUTURE BONERS
We just started the day with vitamin bombs. Daily vitamin + whatever's left in your glass from last night = feel like a champion
I just can't deal with that sentence
we got kicked out of her coke dealer's house when we wouldn't stop quoting "a league of their own"
communist
Looked like a bag of smashed assholes and smelt like a brewery - still got morning sex. Marriage rules sometimes!
And it was in that moment when I realized that these high schoolers looked up to me and that I should set a good example. So I stole a casserole and left.
I just found a half a joint in my bed. . .don't know if this qualifies as a proud moment or a cry for help
i tried to propose to him with my nipple ring but i couldnt figure out how to take it out
fuck off. It's 10am and I'm drink gin and ginger ale through a twizzler straw. My life is marvellous
For reals. He's my age and he still hangs out at his frat house & gets hammered every weekend. Idk if I'm jealous of him or if I pity him
Randomize
