Are you drinking alone?
no, i'm watching house
That doesn't count.
wtf, then i'm always alone
then i got kicked out of the bar for trying to pay my $30 bar tab in sacajawea dollar coins
i walked into the party and i guess everyone knew because they began to chant "ass to mouth"
so he came in me this morning and i was like WTF DUDE. i called him Daddy until he agreed to pay the full $40 for plan B. He wants to name our Patrick because it will be a st pattys day baby. absolutely NOT.
I think i'm just gonna start shot-gunning everything that comes in can form.
woke up with a used condom shoved in my ear. i officially hate alcohol.
all i remeber is falling off a fence and banging him in the middle of the street, not sure which one gave me this cut
He told me that "my little fuckpig" was a term of endearment in Britain. I think I'm in love.
I asked her to make me water, which in turn meant get me a glass. She handed me a cup of microwaved ice cubes.
Some guy in lab is humming along to a Sara Barrilles song. Or maybe I'm just hearing the song echoing in his huge, gaping vagina.
every Thursday i draw one of my friends names out of a hat to choose who i will drunkenly text all weekend
You can jump from the roof to the pool. Trust me. I have done this before.
Still not over the fact that we prayed to Jesus to help us win beer pong
The ONLY reason I am doing laundry is because all my sweatpants are dirty.
My tinder date had to be home by 8:30 cause she's on house arrest.
Randomize
