You look at her and you just know the only action she's gotten is from her tampon..
Do you remember puking up your retainer into the toilet and putting it right back in your mouth?
I'm doing lines by myself in the kitchen. I think your outside. yeah that's you. your naked.
I'm so hungover that if we go to panera, I'll probably get a bread bowl to throw up in.
I got 87 likes on my changed relationship status. It's official. I'm way more fucking awesome single.
They're mostly guys
Early bird gets the worm.
We got back from Mcdonalds and literally 5 minutes of being in your room, you wanted to go back because "We haven't been yet."
I just told him he had gained a new brother. He immediately knew I meant the eskimo kind.
I'm not entirely sure what happened last night, but I think I dislocated my kneecap during an epic Mario Kart battle...
You were great dude. You wanted to charge the guy with fedora $100 to get in.
I just found out that my husband and I are Eskimo siblings. What in the actual fuck?!
I found your dog. Now we are bros, so he is staying. Don't call, don't make it weird.
So to add to headbutting the microwave while waiting for my hot pockets to cook. I apparently told both bartenders earlier in the night I was going to fuck them both. I hate black out drunk me..
There's some random guy here dryhumping my kitchen door. If he is a friend of yours, please come and retrieve him.
The only monogamous relationship I can keep is with my eyebrow lady...
I have to make calls today at work. So I'm gonna call your phone and leave some random messages. Just delete them.
Randomize
