My Mom bought me a vibrating toothbrush. Maybe this is her way of apologizing for throwing away my other thing that vibrated.
So i just got diagnosed with swine flu. im at walgreens looking like shit and this guy keeps staring at me. Im so gonna cough in his face.
well, dont
I didnt. i just coughed then looked at him menacingly. he got it.
is it just me, or are high schoolers getting sexier?
I may have been hammered and in a wheelchair but I definitely remember asking the hospital reseptionist to marry me
Wedding cake is always the best dance partner. In the corner. With a jack and coke. And while I'm crying. Listening to "Almost Paradise".
I think that "I fucked your little brother" wasn't the best way to introduce yourself.....
My Saturday dick is so much more impressive than my Tuesday dick.
Yeah, first time I've shit my pants in my twenties... I'm thinking about putting it on my Facebook timeline
Should have know they were on something when he started filling a Togo container with fruit
U have successfully fucked my brains out. I just almost put deodorant on like chapstick
Who breaks their ankle the day before a beach wedding? This guy. Maybe this is karma for fucking someone's wife? Idk.
Sending a pic of labia to send to the TN Legislator. Obviously they don't think I know what to do with it so I'm gonna ask them for advice.
I'm like 89% sure I could get him to buy me a car in exchange for a half-assed handy.
Nice. Ask if they watched saved by the bell. yes=legal. No=jailbait
I just choked eating whip cream from the can, and peed a little because I was coughing so hard. How am I still single.
Randomize
