Dude. I haven't taken a shit in a week.
Try anal, it works wonders.
insurance, jail, and birth control were made for people like us.
Im making the walk of shame with half a box of pizza, its like when youre little and you get a goodie bag leaving the party
I am not kidding you. There is an airport luggage cart overturned in my driveway. We need to stop going to the airport bar.
I feel like we should actually go to church one of these days to thank god for saving us from herpes and babies.
Fun fact: I don't want to be an actual functioning adult because why
And have you ever tried to explain a hickey to your own grandmother?
Just saw some dude tumble down the stairs of the bar while leaving...fist pump...and then sprint down the road
Turns out floaties are a great thing after a couple bottles of vodka
We got high and watched Winnie the Pooh. Isn't that what every normal person does on their break?
Got home. All the lights were on. All the doors were unlocked. My room was covered in beads, there's puke in the sink and of course our toilet is still broke. I'd say it was a decent Mardi Gras
I think your husband is breaking up with me...
I just want somebody who'll randomly bring me pizza and lovingly squeeze my butt. Is there a dating app for that, do you think?
that guy was staring at your tits.
nah, more like they were staring at him, and his girlfriend, and her less than adequate bosom. they pitied the fool.
point taken, oh mistress of the bosoms.
is it sad that a disney movie is making me horny?
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