my passenger side seat is covered in alcoholic jello with a nude mannequin in it
battery dying...get laid and text me after...or during...its whatever.
you were passed out in your cheese fries by the time he brought out your second order of french toast.
We snorted a line of cocaine and xanax, and then played a game of Backgammon. It was surprisingly therapeutic.
not my fault hes the one that tried to cuddle after. said he wanted to spoon away the shame.
We need to go to the store an get depends. I really don't want to be bothered with the bathroom this weekend.
Okay wait let me power puke and then we can go dancing
Whoever invented the gimlet should be given a medal and then shot
I think I ruined his life by managing to get his initiation nickname for his frat to be "Whiskey Dick" but I still wish herpes on him and his fugly new girlfriend.
You kept asking her which dick pills worked the best. She's a grandmother.
I don't drink nearly as much when I'm coupled, and that's not a lifestyle I can commit to
So i just remembered that thing i use to do with your butt because of shark week.
So is it your turn now to pretend like dating someone else would stop us from fucking?
You took your pants and underwear off as soon as we got to Melissa's and just walked around the entire time like it was completely normal. We even ate pizza together with your vagina exposed. You're my hero.
Had to claim I'd "gone lesbian" to get my cat back. Thank God I got away from that one.
Randomize