i can juggle bunnies
cool
on fire
worst morning ever. completed my walk of shame home to find my parents, grandma, and priest had come down to surprise me on my birthday. now i'm in the car with them to go get my car from the bar.
I've officially moved beyond college drinking. I just got business drunk at an internship seminar.
i cant get the smell of ass out of my nose
I'm like 99% sure I made out with Kevin Spacey last night. Not good.
Instead of politely asking me to shave, he passive-aggressively left me a groupon for a bikini wax. So I passive-aggresively fucked his roommate. And his roommate didn't mind my bush when he went down on me. Anyway, do you want the groupon or not?
if you ever get a chance to, fuck in a lecture hall. great acoustics. highly recommend it.
it's like I can see my whorish nature reflected back at me in his wedding ring.
Cop came to our door looking for you. Something about sex in public and intoxication. I said you matched the description.
You did it first. I was merely expressing my support for you, by pressing my testicles against a window.
The feeling I get when I hear beer bottles clinking must be what children feel when they hear sleigh bells on Christmas Eve
You grabbed my arm, said "I need you" in a very concerned voice and dragged me to the other room where you were blasting Evolution of Beyoncé.
Oh my fucking god that cat looks just like you after you accidentally took Ketamine
The amount of drunk I'm going to get tonight will be somewhere between Jim lahey and bojack horseman
I’m on my third beer doing poppers in the shower to no doubt
Randomize
