I just tipped a bartender in xanax.
he showed up at my house with a hand-stiched sweater that said "girlfriend?"
As one final fuck you to the courthouse i'm paying the rest of this ticket with sacajawea coins.
Bible prof is the guy I made out with at the gay bar on the fourth. He doesn't remember.
Definitely just found that pen in the microwave. What the fuck.
Stoned in a petco on a Saturday. I figured out that ferrets can eat themselves out. Just picture it. Never leaving.
Omg one side of my Labia is asleep. Has that ever happened to you?
When I say "is it a bad idea to do Mollie before an 8hr shift tomorrow?" I dont want to hear the truth I want to hear you encouraging my bad decisions
he brings me coffee and gets a blow job. not sure if I trained him or he trained me or it's simply mutually beneficial beautiful.
Knowing there are different types of spiders in different countries and regions makes me never want to travel.
Every time I try to do something productive I end up searching ghost porn.
But I only have 2 emotions angry and horny
Tell me why I woke up with your dads construction shirt on, nothing else, and had jelly donuts with a note from a girl named cathryn that said "we had a kinky night with peanut butter". p.s. Im by the layin by the lawnmower
We can have bacon on the roof while tanning
And I think she just drunkenly ordered an ipad. she said it was so pretty she couldn't keep it "locked up" because an ipad has to be let free.
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