I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
Yes. Hungover. All the boys are going wakeboarding. Boys only. I wish I was a gay guy so I could go wakeboarding but still suck dick.
That's what happens when you let Keystone Light make your decisions.
The walk of shame isn't so shameful when you do it in a stolen, autographed Favre jersey.
def just vomited mimosa in the gym trashcan. i weigh less already so i say its been a solid workout.
My knee is bleeding. This cheeseburger is the 3rd thing I made out with today and I think I got a job with the ducks. Catalina is poppin
He legit pounded my cooking wine, because he was to cheap to buy beer. He is so not getting any.
We just set the fire alarm off with a fog machine. What's my first instinct? Finish my drink. I think I handled that correctly.
I'm about to initiate a game of drunk UNO.
Drunk UNO has officially been banned from now until forever.
And then he said he wanted to "get really weird with me on my horse." I took that as he wants to fuck me while riding my horse. Could be a good time.
I just fist bumped God in my head for last night. What a bro.
I legit feel like I had sex with Joey Fatone. Is that weird?
Pray for me. I just had a sex dream about Debbie Wasserman-Schultz.
I feel fine lol. I tried climbing a tree but the branch broke and I got arrested.
No just a list of 20 of my favorite things
Where are penises on the list
Where am I on the list
Under penises
Randomize
