I'm currently googling how to make a dress out of a trash bag. It's going to be a great night.
Your drunken mistake is coming over to see if she wants to buy any of our furniture. I know youre desperate, but try not to fuck her, without a condom, for a fourth time, while shes there.
I don't know why people felt they couldn't use the toilet with me passed out in the tub. I shut the curtain. It was like being in another room.
Dad's drunk, trying to hook me up with a 43yo, and keeps saying one and done. Mom is on the verge of tears and disowning us. You missed a good birthday dinner.
Someone woke me up and gave me a sprite and some pills. I put them in my belly button. Trust no one.
Doing lines of coke with a $100 dollar bill off a 6in x 9in photo of your childhood self really tells you where you where you've gotten in life.
We've reached the point in our fuck buddy relationship where we are playing words with friends. This is too intimate.
Please tell me joes at work safe and sound and doesn't smell like jail?
Texas State Troopers call you ma'am even when they arrest you for public nudity and after you've puked on their cruiser. Country boys raised right.
Oh my fucking god how fucking embarrassing never again will I mix drugs at a family barbecue
You having your own car has severely reduced the amount of blowjobs I get.
I saved him in my phone as "Well-Hung Burrito Savior." I love Taco Tuesday.
I can't believe we really went to walgreens to use their cork opener, bounced and drank a bottle of wine in a sketchy corner...
I think the sex rug burn on my back is infected, can you check it out when you get home?
I just put vagisil on my bug bites how do you think my morning is going
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