so im in the parking lot of taco bell eating a taco...and some girl just got out of a car and screamed at the top of her lungs "XANEX FOR SALE!!!!" i fucking love Hamilton.
I just gave my patient permission to swallow while pregnant. She was so embarrassed to ask...but her bf was really happy with the answer.
woke up to an overdrawn credit card. did you order the dawsons creek boxset last night?
i hope so.
worse. her friends hid in the bathroom while she gave me head and then screamed surprise right as i was about to cum
The sign in front of ihop says "designated drivers get half off their order"
my vagina has been out of service for wayy too long... this semester needs to start like right now
I kept calling him escargot instead of Estaban..I don't think that was the wisest choice.
Saying you need a hooker then asking me to have sex is NOT the way to get laid. Booty call 101.
I'm literally taking a shit naked holding a bottle of wine.
So by "wait for me" do you think he meant "Don't have sex with random dentists?"
Conference sex doesn't count if the dentist doesn't know your name.
I'm still here... I feel so bad wearing your mom's cardigan at a strip club 🙈
Thank you for being so charming, but do you have syphilis?
Went upstairs to make PopTarts, found the door open. Shut it. Saw a grey thing. Opened the door, found a girl sleeping outside. What the fuck happened last nigh
Ahhh the shame of taking out my recycling
I remember you banged her while I was dying on your couch, so good call
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