i have nine cents in my fucking bank account... not even a dime
you know it is a bad morning when you forget to brush your teeth and eat old gas x in your car because its minty...
You answered the door when the cops arrived with a beer in one hand and a pillowcase over your head yelling "GAGA, OOH LA LA!"
He has a really nice penis but its like a model that wasn't built to scale
I showed remarkable dignity in such a compromising situation. Except I came off as sort of a blue ball giver.
Cavemen vs astronauts. weapons to be determined. Who would win?
I walked into the kitchen and twelve of them were just staring at the oven. Freshmen are the weirdest drunks ever.
Ok spinning in the opposite direction thatg the room was spinning was the worst advice ever
My apartment is so clean right now, I should invite someone over for sex just so someone can see how clean it is.
I'm not getting off this floor. I love this floor
When I got home he was in his underpants on the couch, eating pop tarts and crying while watching Voltron.
I didn't even know his name until he texted me the next day and told me I should take a plan B pill. Thanks Danny.
No clue what you did last night, sorry. You did hand me a pizza and a mason jar with $1200 in small bills in it when I let you in though.
It does not feel like it was just this morning that I had a penis in multiple cavities of my body
Is it sad that the most attractive guy I've come across in a week that's not my professor is the man doing my pedicure?
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