Life lesson #57: drinking whisky out of apples leads to threesomes.
NEVER shave your cleavage hair.
i woke up, turned over, and noticed an assortment of knives stuck in my wall. i should prob stop drinking
at that time a 4 pound meatball stuffed with pizza rolls seemed more important than bailing you out of jail.... sorry.
I think we need to teach you what straight means again
Ummm didn't i have pubes when i went to bed last night?
I guess crabs is what I get for sleeping with my ex.
Who showers for four hours?!
It was like a tropical nap.
I'm beginning to worry that I seem to get along best with people when I'm naked with them.
Good. Need a drinking partner later. FOR AMERICA!!!
Hypothetically speaking how does one remove a lamp that they hypothetically superglued to the ceiling?
Acetone nail polish remover, and you lied about studying last night didn't you?
Oh definitely.
Welp, no use in crying over spilt milk. I can't unbang her.
He hit me with his bagpipe
Isnt that against the lesbian handbook?
Ever get that feeling that you're the back up booty call and half way through securing the fake date excuse to try to get in your pants, the guy hears back from the original booty call and drops the conversation with no explanation?
We hooked up and he sent me home with a plant and skittles lmao
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