you kept wiggling your finger at everybody at the party telling us this is how he fingered me. you seemed pretty upset about it.
remind me not buy ky at kmart ever again. Had to get a manager to open the locked case. then he stood there and watched me look through the selection
I hate that ur telling me this.
you left a giant bottle of vodka in my room from last night. does this serve as a parting gift or hush money?
I need to surround myself with more reliable stoners...
All was going smooth until he pulled a condom out of his collection he kept in a Cheesy Gordita Crunch Box from Taco Bell.
i just got drunk dialed and its 10am. clearly finals are over.
you set the microwave for an hour telling me that the done sound was your alarm.
She tied her key to her bra the night before and couldn't get it off while trying to open the door this morning so she just took her bra off and let it tangle from the key while unlocking the door...the old Indian couple next door were shocked.
The zombie version of you bit my friend's hand. No more zombie crawl for you. Not ever.
Thanks for the bagel and the sex.
If he would've shaved his beard when we first broke up, getting over him would've been so much simpler. That asshole.
All I want for Christmas is my co-worker's speakerphone to be thrown against a brick wall, and the remains burned in a backyard fire while I roast a hot dog over it. Is that so much to ask?
Why does 10AM Spanish always turn into a discussion about my sex life?
I don't think I can get drunk, high or horny enough to even consider that
Sooo, my mother is snoring, my ex is sexting me, the guy I'm having an affair with is sending me dick pics, and all I want to do is sleep!
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