I just realized I have my pepper spray, gun, and vibrator all in one drawer. One false grab and I'm screwed either way.
I definitely managed to work the word "aforementioned" into the conversation.. At least I'm an intelligent sexter.
Let me start this apology by saying you were the finest piece of ass I ever had.
Sometimes I wonder how you ever made friends then I remember it's because you blew your way to semi-relevance
Drinking with mariachis at jimmy johns.
Why i have shady connections. Owner just txt me asking to come by and judge the new stripper.
I've shit my pants 4 times in 12 hours... Never trust a fart when u pass 30
Using a miniature baseball bat to kill a mosquito in the house may not have been the most efficient or safest way, but that thing is fucking dead. However, so are three wine glasses, a lamp, and my baseball bat privileges. Worth it.
How bad would it be to ask my maintenance man for new blinds because the dude puked on those too?
My boyfriend told me that I said I wanted to "feast on her vagina"... Glad I don't remember.
Why can't you just come over, fuck me, then leave so i can get stoned and watch law and order?
STOP HOOKING UP WITH SOCCER MOMS! YOU ARE RUINING MY REPUTATION!
I need you to teach me how to be roommates with somebody I'm not fucking.
Call me a snob but I'm not banging chicks with more fingers than teeth.
Last night was a bad idea. I'm hungover and the contents of my purse smell like Korean BBQ.
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