I will come over but only if I don't have to take my sunglasses off for it
you guys were way drunker than both of me
i think i just puked on my phone
we live great lives
Why did I wake up with "How to masturbate" on my youtube search bar?
You told us you forgot how, and started to cry.
The one from last night got me a whole floor of Eskimo Brothers. There was a celebration of high fiving as I left
You never know, some chick could have a weird unibrow fetish.
Step one go to argentina step two fuck bitches it's a simple plan really
You were buying shots for everyone, saying, "I got a tax refund. I'm a MILLIONAIRE."
Any man who has a face like that and a bike, deserves a vagina like yours permanently.
If I were you I'd use my green card to do more coke and less talking
Just successfully made home fries from potatoes we used as bowls while stoned as shit. I deserve a trophy.
I've made my dad a martini every night since I was 13.. I got this
We decided to make playlists for each other. Do you know any songs that say "sorry I'm not as hot as your prostitute ex?"
I used to think not drinking while I was pregnant was not gonna be a problem, but I now I'm like shit that's a long time
I found half a candy bar in my bra today... Melted to my nipple. What a mess. It was still good though.
Randomize
