so on my way home this naked dude runs right in front me his weiner at half mast screaming i'm only doing this cause its a 50 dollar dare
im going to forcibly insert an angry corn snake into his urethra
i just looked at my contacts and realized i saved the pizza hut girl's number as "fckucin pizza" the other night.
Just passed an anti-circumcision dude with a sign. Handing-out-bibles guy has been officially one-upped.
new years resolution: more sex, less car punching, more chipotle.
I know its hard to believe that I'm already drunk at 12 p.m. but I am, so dont call me asking to go to the gym.
You do realize that you tried to eat the neighbors cat because the dominos guy was 5 minutes late. You would have succeeded if we didnt stop you.
Ok fine. Wild. Free. Like a stallion set free in a beautiful meadow filled with flowers and sexy lady horses
She just tried to talk over a fart. The fart was way longer than the sentence she originally wanted to say so she just added gibberish to the end. Gross
He accidentally opened the car door during sex and all the lights came on. Needless to say, that kid passing by who was walking his dog got scarred for life.
There is a guy in class using a wine bottle as a water bottle. Welcome to the Faculty of Environment.
It wasn't your birthday, you weren't supposed to be the drunk one
When people keep buying you drinks at the bar because they like you, you can't say no to them
We celebrated our relationship by shotgunning beers on his lawn in our underwear. I may have to marry this man...
If it's any consolation she turned out to be has a collection of clown dolls she talks to crazy. And the cops knew why I was calling when she key locked the door from inside.
What do you do when you legitimately find a hidden sex dungeon in your parents basement next to your bedroom!!?
Randomize
