i feel like i'm a professional at blowjobs i can deep throat an entire spatula
I dont know whats worse: her telling me she was so drunk i was "almost sexy," the fact that even when theyre shitfaced, im just "almost sexy" to girls, or the fact that i wasnt that offended by it.
Dude we need to petition the city about running buses later, none of my booty calls own cars
She said I came to for a minute, shouted IHOP!! and then shook my head and said no before passing out again
I gained confidence after I found out she was a lesbian. At least that way I could flirt with her and convince her to buy me taco bell after the bar
Your roommates boyfriend just approached me while I was working to tell me about the staph infection he got on his face. Where do you find these people?
I'm going to need your assistance. I cannot walk back to the house in a bear costume.
I need moral support for this bender
But you're the one who should be jamming foreign objects into my vaj instead of an old weird lady. I mean, it is your birthday....
These are all good points. But, I think your under estimating what it's like to be held upside down for a standing 69
I just wanna get hammered somewhere crazy. Meet some chicks. Bang them and then go scuba diving.
I am 95% sure I just heard my cat say "What are you doing home? It's Saturday night."
he stopped mid makeout and said "can I pray for you?"
They're gonna put "is a hoe" on my medical records
Apparently I was directing traffic outside of Keeneland. Apparently I'm not a police officer. Who knew....
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