The good thing about walking home in a dress on sunday morning is that people mistake my walk of shame as a walk to God.
I think she would actually eat a penis if anyone was brave enough to let one near her mouth
im not sure if this headache is from the car accident or cocaine withdrawl
It's been 5 months since I last wore a condom.
Not including when spray tanning
OMG bikini contest at the bar. You can see this one chicks scar from her c-section and I'm pretty sure she is the best of the bunch.
Me focusing on not shitting my pants is keeping me awake.
So we came to a decision, you need to fuck your hot roommate and send us pictures. We voted, so don't hate the democracy this great country stands for
He's been watching the World Cup too much because right before he came he screamed "NUT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" for half a minute. Our landlord is not happy.
Called my house today and my 10 year old brother answered and asked if I was still in jail
If you don't turn up on horseback dressed like a highwayman I am not having sex with you today
Your normalization of crazy is frightening.
Well I'm over here squandering a fabulous hair day and radiant complexion
Things were going really well until his cousin showed up. She told him I look kind of like his mom, which started a ten-minute debate on my and his mother's specific features, and ultimately, who is prettier. Guess who my date picked.
A reply to my tweet is getting more likes than mine, the disrespect is real
You ever stub your boner? It happened to me. Just know that drugs and strip poker and a hot tub. I'll Regale you with the story over drinks later.
Randomize
