she gave me a handjob while we were watching elf.... it's that time of year again!!
after last nights cooking expirments i have lost all faith in the fire alarm battery
he offered to walk down from the bar this morning to my house and bring me a guinness...
how romantic. its the irish mans version of flowers
i'm sorry for cheering you on when you were making out with him. i was just celebrating the fact he was decent looking for once
i watched you ride a mechanical penis. nothing is awkward between us anymore.
Just did a walk of shame dressed as a cowgirl and walked past his ex's entire sorority. Yippee kye aye, motherfucker.
But fine, we can play that game. You can come over and we can have totally platonic, long, boring discussions. Or we can fuck. Whatever.
I'm not sure that our 12-years-ago-high-school-"relationship," and 179 texts in the last 4 hours is gonna be enough to squeeze a naked smartphone picture of me. I'm gonna need some chicken wings or Makers Mark before that starts happening.
He's doing his thing where I don't know if he's alive until three in the afternoon so idk
We compared her boobs to bacon. I'm probably going to have to justify that.
I needed to bring way more fireball to class to match this professors intensity
She was way too drunk so I dropped her off at her house and smoked a huge blunt with her mom.
I've never SEEN someone give negative fucks before. It's actually rather impressive. I want to study under them.
The angle I tried to shoot a load on her face was unfortunate. I accidentally came on the David Bowie tribute she had out. Oddly, that made it more erotic.
she's throwing knives it scares me
update: broke ceiling. glass everywhere
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