I just found glass in my funny face pancakes, there's nothing funny about that.
The guy drove to our house at 6am to sell us weed. Now that's customer service.
today i did the best job ever shaving. like my vagina is PERFECT. plus i straightened my hair for a good hour. if i don't get ass tonight, i'm killing a baby.
i need to break up with him. i realized this while i was making a mental grocery list while we were having sex. this is not the first time i've done that.
She was crying and singing Taylor Swift on repeat. I'm never drinking with her again.
the outcome of this sandwich determines whether or not i do anything else with my day..
I'm stoned entirely off resin. Licking my blankets. Merry Christmas. Jesus died for our sins. Yay Jesus. I love you.
I invented the best game. It's called "what touched my exposed nutsack?" It can range from pillows to toothbrushes
"You can go raw dog up in me". Exact words. I can't decide whether to run, or fuck. Help.
He recreated the night that started all my mothers days. We shared a joint, drank Boones Farm, and dry humped to the Beastie Boys. Then I cried over MCA's death. Best. Gift. Ever.
So my parents just watched me pour their rum into a bottle and only add crystal light powder, no water... Talk about being judged. All I could say was "Cortland tricks?"
Do you know this guy sitting in front of us? Asking for my vagina.
I thought my holiday spirit was gone this year until I got banged to Christmas music. It's back.
Is it bad if I look at someone i dont know and just want to punch them in the face?
I want to conceive our bastard child on an athletic field. Why can't we make this happen?
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