I'm so drunk I cant read cursive anymore.
His stupid grin looks like he's mid-ejaculation
I'm a big fan of 2 things right now: 1) Gatorade and 2) the fetal position
he sat in the bathtub shirtless yelling in gibberish for 40 minutes. funniest. stoner. ever.
I'm pregaming before our pregaming dinner...with peanut butter and beer. I think I need to re-evaluate my budget...
Just the budget?
Wait til she sees the pic of her vag in court docs.
We're smoking a joint the size of the average penis right now. I may not survive.
Just walked into the bathroom and looked straight ahead and made eye contact with a guy taking a shit through the crack in the stall door...
Technically my penis started a fight tonight
We're downstairs cleaning up and she turns to me with these big puppy dog eyes and says "Just so you know, I didn't have sex on your couch". You have to hug that.
So I got hit in the face with a frying pan. So def wont be at work for first break if I'm there at all
went back to my college bar last night. Bar tender doesn't remember my name but remembers me as margarita girl...I'm not even mad though
I managed to break 3 nails and loose my stockings, but I made 87 dollars at the strip club. I asked where I could find an application on the way out.
Oh god I found a set of car keys in my pocket, and I have no idea who's they are
OH GOD IT TASTES LIKE IT SMELLS
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