How do you jack off and text at the same time?
On my iPhone they have an app for that
Wedding update: no alcohol, 75% of people have left, no one is dancing, no single groomsmen, and it's 5:30. I'm going the fuck home to drink by myself.
Bad news is he broke up with me via text message
But the good news is I've returned as mayor of whoreville
I'm masturbating to football. This is why I get guys and you don't
dunno man, last I saw him he bet me he could eat more ranch the me, then ran off
He deleted all his profile pics with her. It was like the bat signal for single women everywhere.
As I am reading this. I'm standing in my underwear eating taquitos. I'm saying this in the most loving way possible: FUCK OFF.
You told her dad that you were gonna "superman that ho" I love the first impressions you make
no, she just came home, mumbled about being a gerbil out of water then ate half cooked chicken nuggets.. normal night
Got my parents to pick me up from the party, take me to the bar and buy all my drinks, then drop me off at my booty calls house.
Felt so good this afternoon, figured I wouldn't have a comedown. Wrong. Just realized I've been staring at a wall for 40 minutes contemplating the color yellow.
i ran into the Jo the housecleaner earlier this morning. i mentioned i had a little hangover and she asked what the occasion was.. i replied "Tuesday" without thinking. she judged the shit out of me.
He asked the waiter, at 6:40 am, drunk, if they served alcohol. After he said no, he's like 'well, I guess we can eat then.'
So. Much. Porn.
oh dont worry mom i am not sick my cough is from a recent increase in recreational drug use
that will happen
Randomize
