im using old socks as coasters. im going to make a great housewife.
he had a sign stolen from the tennis court hanging above his bed that said, "please limit play to one hour while others are waiting"
We played "race the Jimmy John's driver". Order, then see if we can finish sex before the food arrives.
.....woke up with a tube of cinnamon buns in my pocket, i miss you
Just hooked up with the fireman who put out the quesadilla fiasco last tuesday.
What's the proper amount of time to avoid my 76 year old neighbor that caught me with my pants down, peeing in my driveway at 5am?
Hey, this is a mass text. I have a hospital bill from November, and I don't know from what. Did anyone bring me to the hospital on a drunken night that I don't remember...?
he got kicked out of the bar for falling asleep on the mechanical bull.. then freaked on us cause we wouldnt go to the strip club with him
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
I knew as soon as he opened a beer with his teeth to shotgun it that I was going to sleep with him. I'm never going home.
Just puked in my hallway. Good start to a great night
but I'm still not sure how you became more and more fluent in Spanish the drunker you got
YOU BETTER TOUCH MY NIPPLES TODAY
He gave me a brownie at the beginning of class and now I can't feel my face.
i am not an asshole. i paid for her to take a cab home.
dude, we were in ann arbor. she's from cincinnati. ten bucks didn't even get her back on I-94. i maintain my position. you are indeed an asshole.
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