When the moon hits your eye like a big pizza pie, you're a dumbass
Best moment of my life. I just got a text from some random number that said i can't wait to touch you. Her name is kiara and she had the wrong number.
I just made $100 from people paying me not to get naked at the party... I need those P90X dvds
Just dropped $150 at the liquor store. No power and two feet of snow has taken my alcoholism to another level.
i can't believe you were mixing vodka with green tea last night and enjoying it.
i should bottle and sell it. my slogan could be "green tea vodka. antioxidating while intoxiacting. your liver will thank you. "
I'm cooking a can of baked beans on the baseboard heater. It is too early in the semester to be this poor.
Totally just met the chick getting nailed in our lobby last night. Should I bring it up?
See this is what happens when we don't have sex everyday
end of the world party next friday. virgin sacrifice. tell me you know someone whos still a virgin
Binging muscle relaxers because when ur 33 you can no longer SHAKE IT LIKE A POLAROID PICTURE for 2hrs w/o consequences. Fuck you, Age.
I think I swiped left on my soulmate
Stop chatting and get in the fucking car. I didn't get my asexual ass out of bed just to watch you flirt and fail with someone you're never going to see again.
I let a 30 year old guitar player that works at a call center go down on me in his backseat last night
he was just sitting there in his underwear... and his chewbacca mask...
Hey, um, after thinking about it, I decided I really don't want to use applying olive oil to your ass for your fissure as part of foreplay because... well... really? Just read that again.
Randomize
