i just heard the ice cream truck outside while mid-masturbation. i stopped and considered running outside to buy one.
Through a series of unfortunate circumstances, I think I just sprayed lime juice on my vagina.
I'm driving in the middle of nowhere, and I just saw a stuffed Barney hanging from a noose on a tree. Maybe I should turn around.
I am sitting on my kitchen floor drunk with a bottle of jose cuervo, tryin to make cinnamon rolls and write a paper. I love college
idk how it happened. she made a very smooth transition from crying to blowing me
long story short: there's a file in the master file cabinet labeled "lube".
They normally just get fucked up and see who can hold their hand on the exhaust the longest. It's great
I swear there's a gravitational pull from your vagina to large groups of men in uniform.
And our DD is passed out in the bathtub with the curtain closed. What happened tonight
How does one chug a beer and swing the bottle at someone in a single motion? This guys a beer ninja man
Your couch is like an animal shelter for stray drunks.
He bought segways. We ride them when we get drunk. Last night he ran through the sliding glass door.
Just applied for assistance with paying my hospital bill from my alcohol poisoning at age 16 while still a little drunk from last night. What is my life.
Circle of life?
Oh my fucking god, I was conceived on the first date.
Wtf did i hit my head on?
Tequila
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