what kind of morning-after breakfast implies 'thanks for the sex, but i'm not gonna call you ever again'?
If I had a nickel for every time somebody called me a bad person I would have enough money to check into rehab
I actually told the people in the movie theatre to give me a cup and I would dip water from the toilet before I paid $4.50 for a bottle of water.
Black Friday shoppers are ridiculous. I think I just watched a marriage end.
Oh god I can't handle any more dudes. I just walk of shamed to work wearing a guy's boxers and a life jacket. This summer is going to kill me.
Pretty sure I just heard the turkey yell "don't put me in there" as it was going in the oven. way too high for this holiday.
She wants to fuck me. On a tennis court. In her tennis outfit. Is ring-shopping an acceptable 3rd date activity?
My aunt left me alone with the instructions to "get waisted" by the time she returns. I love drunk aunt.
What would you say is the recommended tip for a hotel maid who has to clean up vomit on just about every surface of a hotel bathroom?
Come to my pity party. It's being hosted in my basement. The theme is ambiguously sexual cuddling and wine.
He knows whenever I get drunk I'm going to call him and make fun of his major. Its like a reverse booty call.
We probably shouldn't have humped each other in a stairwell for an hour. that was probably my bad
For someone who wanted a break I'm getting way to much dick
Dude I'm drinking alone and watching cartoons. How is it that someone as hot as me is doing this.
He stole one of my good bras again. If I'm not getting laid I'm not putting with this shit. Also it's a walk of shame for you today, my car is suicidal again.
Randomize
