my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
every time I hook up with him I think about the fact that penicillin was a mistake too... and look how well that turned out. It makes me feel just a little bit better.
Fist pumping is hard when country music is playing FYI but I am committed
I made a game called come to class high and eat nachos.
Just once id like to sleep with a man who i havent thrown up on
the party we were at had security guards carrying paintball guns. that probably should have been the first sign
Apparently I was pointing at birds and yelling "YOU USED TO BE A DINOSAUR!!!"
Even when you're not here I still manage to get pad thai in my vagina
You have not lived until you've seen your mother stumble into the house with one shoe on mumbling incoherently about tequila cupcakes.
You will receive a large, large reward, worth much more than the actual phone you are holding, paid not only in cash but in sexual favors, if you return this phone! Please respond if you're interested in cash/sex/or just being a good person. Thanks and hope to hear from you soon!
I'm hiding her cosmo magazine. the only sex tip she needs is to not handcuff her boyfriend to her roommates bed and lose the key
I just sneezed glitter I JUST SNEEZED G LITTER I j u st SneeZED GLIT TER I DO NOT HAVE TIME FOR THIS AT ALL.
When we were having sex last night, I told him I would replace him with tacos
Is it sacrilegious to take tequila shots on Saint Patrick's day?
"I mean like shit happens" should never be an excuse for anything
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