ugh, i have officially sinned in all of my cute clothes. i can't even wear any of them without feeling regret.
you said "tonight pinky, we take over the world" and then came in my face
His little brother walked in on us. Six times.
we're ranked number 5 for having the most pot in the country for a university school. idk if i should feel worried or just plain blessed.
I'm not sober enough to be having a conversation about a rap she wrote in Spanish about public safety
halloween is the only time that anne boleyn, the joker, a cowgirl, and a mexican man complete with sombrero and poncho can all hit the same blunt
So I found "Fat chicks in saran wrap" in my search history.
That's all you talk about when you are wasted.
The moral of the story is do not hire me because everything will end up smelling like pickles and I will not sufficiently clean it up.
She's in the hospital because she tried to steal a toilet seat from an outhouse and fell off the bank. We're gonna hang the toilet seat by the pool.
If he's gonna send me dick pics; he should at least zoom in to make it look bigger.
I would literally only have sex with a dinosaur right now.
what are you getting to drink for new years?
well seeing as how i just got diagnosed with a uti, whatever we can mix with cranberry juice
YOU ARE THE ONLY PERSON I KNOW THAT STEALTH CLEANS PEOPLE TOILETS
I'm getting reacquainted with drunk me. She has grown up a lot.
They were shocked that I could handle my liquor so well. I'm half Irish and half Russian. This is what I'm made for
Randomize
