I was to big spoon the shit out of you right now
I'm so hungover and dru,k
I threw up so much beer last night that my puke had a nice head on it.
he just tried to lick my eyebrow. thats the deal breaker.
She helped me organize my comics and then blew me. This is the one.
I'm not trying to go crazy tonight either. I just want to go out, have a few drinks, meet up with my ex-boyfriend and get fingered or something.
Doing tuck and rolls down a stair case was not my brightest idea
He's got a wife and three kids but I'm into being that mistake.
He turned down jacuzzi sex. He cares more about my vagina than i do.
oh sorry. I thought "boat" was code for "penis"
I just did something so unspeakable in the panera bathroom that their health score dropped 10 points.
I was "singing along to the Lego Movie" high. Everything was not awesome
I walked into the bathroom and there's this 6'5" cop washing his hands. He looks at me and goes, "Heard you singing outside. Sound real pretty."
No more tequila EVER.
I could have been on my second lucrative divorce by now, but nooooo, I had to be a strong independent woman.
She took me to ER. She says thought it was a squirtgun filled with vodka and she was 'marking me for later.' Thank god it's a flesh wound, and we're cool and going to date.
gtg, the cops are here
Jus had a dream that I borrowed bob dylans car to save us from a pack of raptors. Pretty stoked about it.
Randomize
