My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
yeah...it smells like an asshole would smell if someone ate sewage.
I dont understand how a fully grown man could convince himself that lime green crocks would look good on him.
all we ever talk about is how much i like your dick or my drug problem.
the women in the ladies room did not appreciate my innovation of turning a sink into a urinal
she was puking into the toilet drowning herself saying "its okay im a swimmer"
Roommate is eating a chimichanga, watching Dr Doolittle 2 and weeping. His Tuesday hangovers make me feel better about my life.
You handed J your Mayan-pocalypse shopping list and told him he wasn't getting laid unless he brought everything on it. Where is he supposed to get a live goat?!
Bring a bathing suit and your good liver.
My good liver is still at the dry cleaners. Will my backup liver suffice?
Maybe
Dude hobos go hard. I learned a lot last night.
Just took plan b with my eggs and chai...homecoming got the best of me already
Just for the record, you referenced Harry Potter while complaining about being torn between the Slytherin (lesbians) and Gryffindor (your mostly straight friends) houses (tables)
Nothing like a little " am I gonna shit myself " to spice up the work day
Jesus Christ. How the fuck do you not tell someone that your wife can see on the phone bill who you text and how many times ?
Has anyone ever blacked out at an art show your dad brought you to?
Randomize
