At a place where you lie naked on a big pile of pillows and they feed you lobster. You eat it with your bare hands.
you kept running across the street. everytime you made it across successfully you took something off. can't believe there were no cops around...
oh thats it?
This cougar at my work just said "big breasts" referring to poultry... Still resulted in a boner.
Hahaha. I am actually really tight for having a kid. Like really really tight.
Based on her brazillian stubble I would guess her plan had been to wait one more date before sleeping with me. Seems the plan was flexible.
Tried to steal a keytar from my hook up's house.
we were at work and Infront of the whole bar you yelled. "JAKE I WANNA GET FUCKED TONIGHT!" Us day drinking > everyone else
Can we just focus for a minute on the fact that I HAD MY FIRST LESBIAN ENCOUNTER.
Right. How rude of me to inform you that you're going to be an aunt.
I look like shit btw. Like the joker from Batman.
I'm not sure how that's possible unless you put on face paint. Which I would respect.
And also the fact that I woke up sandwiched between two gay men is probably fueling my day
Every time I'm hungover I just want to watch Harry Potter and cry.
I accidentally sent a snap of my puss with the Republican filter... Totally killed his boner
I mean, I'm shallow, narcissistic, and selfish, but I'm an amazing friend sometimes
Do dollar stores sell vibrators?
I don’t know how to sext. What do you say? What do you don’t say?
Just start quoting WAP lyrics.
Randomize
