Remember that time i walked in on your friend taking a huge shit?
Remember that time you hooked up with him?
i had a dream that your penis turned into a long neck dinosaur
did it start talking like on Land before time?
you have to choose: penises or morals?
he obviously didn't care that i was sleeping and dreaming about ellen degeneres knitting me a christmas sweater.
It was weird. Like "Mom, Dad, here's a guy who knows my orgasm face".
We need to be on the same page regarding the 3some this time. No more "one of us should probably leave" moments.
Im pretty sure that girl just said "Im taking you home even if your girlfriend has to come too." Why are we here again?
Where was Alyssa when you were sniffing the bouncer?
Passed out on some guy who looked like someone from Duck Dynasty.
I climbed out of the shower to him sitting on the floor trimming his pubes with nail clippers, we both just started laughing at how drunk we were
It's okay I didn't send any nudes tonight so we are safe *inserts photo of a baseball umpire doing the safe signal*
I turned off my domesticated goddess switch over 2 years ago and idk how to turn it back on. So in the mean time I'll dodge this gf bullet and eat free steak for as long as possible
I just smoked weed out of a tomahawk, then chased an armadillo with said tomahawk, I love my life.
I had to cum in my sink.
I'm sitting in the car vaping at an elementary school to try and deal with the stress of existing. About how i thought being 30 would go for me tbh
I wasn’t trying, but work got a lot easier and more fun once he starred flirting with me and looking at my ass
Randomize
