I found a pair of size 15 female undies on my floor?? is that big?
and this is why i am such an inspirational person, i am the Joel Osteen of alcoholics.
UPDATE: lighting the grill with Bacardi. Haven't slept. Forgot the hamburger buns. Almost out of our eighth handle.
Tell him I thought his Superman stand on your bed and cum all over your back was quite funny
She bit a glowstick open. Apparently they burn. We bonded while she washed the chemicals out of her mouth as I did double shots of Jager.
She's dressed as a slutty goth schoolgirl. Those are my three favorite things. God himself could not give me whiskey dick.
Cry into your wine glass and then drink the tears, it's like the fountain of youth
I miss forts and drugs that made me believe in unicorns...
We could put on there: "Drink jager bombs and do stupid shit faster, with more energy!"
I think I’ve reached sophomore-year-level of bad ideas
and you know that’s the highest possible level because it’s when I met you
i had a flashback to you roaring like a dying tiger and then throwing your wallet (maybe?) at the cat in the living room and saying "you're the only adult that lives here take all my money"
If you're with any of them tell them i apologize for (insert whatever i did here)
If I don't answer right away it's because I took an Adderall and the fridge needs cleaned.
I'm being hhit on by creepy guys please come one bought me a penis hat balloon animal save meeeee
You drank the pool water to get rid of your hiccups
Randomize
