Honestly I wish you never came into my life. I know I don't want you. But I keep trying to get you back bc of the memories
I don't see you I see the memories. All the time
So i've def seen the girl running for student body VP getting fingered in a bar.
He bought me shots at the bar as his way of of paying me back for Plan B
She just called to say she can support a full bottle of vodka between "the girls" now. I'm going over, don't try and stop me.
Incoming: this is a booty call. To accept, please reply with an appropriate time. To reject, please reply "N" and the information will be filed for future reference.
Turns out, his fucking is as lame and staggered as his NFL career.
Fuck that. I'm not afraid to die. I'll prove you can survive on a bagel bites and rum diet.
Been awake for 50 some odd hours. I've discovered I can spew out maaaad papers whilst coked out of my face. My roommates probably think I'm dead. Money well spent. You?
You introduced yourself and she said "wow that's a long name" and you went "yeah well you should see my dick."
I'm standing on the corner in a banana costume and cape with frozen bananas in my utility belt reassessing my life decisions.
He's balder, I'm skinnier. I win. I. Win.
HOW DO YOU FORGET TO FINISH WINE
The fact that my boss lets me drink on my lunch break makes Mondays much easier.
You're just upset because I have cupcakes and boobs and you don't.
You started singing Baby Shark, screamed you have no idea how it goes, then somehow turned the beat into Bohemian Rhapsody
Randomize
