my throat hurts so bad i feel like i just gave head to a cactus.
i just sold a bong and some oregano to fifth graders for sixty dollars. doing something tonight?
New game: Step 1) Turn on ESPN. Step 2) Drink every time someone says "LeBron."
I thought you should know that there is a scientific law stating that when there is booze, people talk about your dick.
I don't think everyone found it as funny as I did... Nothing says "Party's Over" like the sound of a pump action shotgun.
I don't know... But I do think this is probably the longest series of texts we've written discussing your cock. David was right, it is a brave new world. Also, slow day at work again?
Buying a pregnancy test at Walmart in the middle of the night in the middle of Tennessee is not really how I imagined my 25th year on this planet starting out...
You just kept screaming "PLEASE YELL CORNDOG AT HIM. PLEASE. CORNDOG."
I know you all think its cute to drop me off in a different state when I black out, but I can't wake up in family campgrounds asking where I am. These parents are scared.
Also, I called my liver hardcore in front of vet students last night and then wound up having three of them trying to palpate it. So...not saying that again.
you dont know your limits until you wake up with a black eye and a bruised rib and find out you got ran over by a bicycle last night
The only person more miserably hungover from the party is the dog, and that's because he ate some balloons
This is a mass text. Who in the hell shat on my stairs last night?
Access to a Target is paramount to my general happiness and self-worth.
just made a presentation to 40 students and my professor about morals and ethical issues..still drunk. at 8am. I wish I could remember how it went.
Randomize
