i actually looked down at my cock today and said "whoa buddy, you need a haircut....(grimace) and a shower"
I am midnight drunk by noon
using the left over highlighters from the blacklight party to study for finals. feeling the need to write insert penis here on my econ notes.
Well we were just driving down the street, there was a realtor and a couple walking up the porch of a house for sale, mark sticks his head out, opens his mouth to say something, pukes all down the side of the car, pauses, and yells "THIS IS A PHENOMAL NEIGHBORHOOD YOURE GONNA LOVE IT"
I couldn't sleep so I drunk ellipticaled for an hour. Worst. Idea. Ever.
The fact that its 530pm and I'm saying to myself I should sober up since I'm at a family establishment should say enough
Some girl, somewhere, is going to wake up with my face paint on her vagina
After you tried speaking to him in whale you asked if you could see his "blow hole." That's how bad it was.
Took his shirt off. Announced he was Jesus. Threw up. Asked me to cuddle him to sleep. And then tried to kiss me. Typical Saturday night.
This guy on tinder just told me that he wanted to tie me up and asked me what I thought. I told him I wanted tacos
Yo whoever left a thong on the dining room table, first of all get help second of all please remove it now
Masturbating to death wouldn't be a terrible way to go. If you die tonight, I'll know how it went down. Promise not to tell your family.
No, he came home, unscrewed all of the lightbulbs, and threw them in the sink.
Come to my place after work and we can discuss our finances over a coors delight and a fire ball shot
So, I'm roughly 90% sure that the guy next to me in the xray waiting room is watching porn on his phone right now
Randomize
