how much do you want to bet that her wedding invites will be vera bradley themed? loser has to frame theirs.
afterwards we were spooning and he said he wished he was a kangaroo so he cold put me in his pouch and keep me forever. I left as soon as he was asleep.
By the way, her vagina was so tight i was worried that i would be stuck forever
a lot of self evaluation comes after you have to clean up a trashcan of your own vomit and condoms
Just rolled over and found your boyfriend in bed with me. Is mine at your house?
Im rolling a blunt of encouragement for you to return to
How big of a disservice to the economy would we be doing if we didn't drink every day holiday break?
If you've ever wondered what a shitshow is, just watch me at the bar on a Friday. Or Tuesday. Take your pick.
I am 95% sure I just heard my cat say "What are you doing home? It's Saturday night."
When the dude you brought home from the bar on Thanksgiving leaves before you wake up ... #thankful
I don't know about this Sanders guy after all. I'm voting for MYSTERY BABYLON, WHORE OF ALL THE EARTH
Hillary?
She wouldn't fuck me because I had a cast, so I took her friend home
Just bought plan b at 8am. Then the cashier asked if I wanted to donate to the children's miracle network. Fml
Her cop pants made me imagine I was riding a unicorn and by unicorn I mean her face
Well he had a nice beard and it smelled good so there was no way I wasn’t going home with him.
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