Dude, I just saw a sixteen year old girl in a catholic school uniform buying a pregnancy test... With a coupon!
When you wake up, I have rum and am in town
he turned the pretty ricky playlist on. its about to go down.
i felt obligated to tell him happy birthday since we trashed his house and i fucked his friend in his basement
Definitely almost got hit in the face with a baby
Fuck it dude, we gotta bounce before she starts talking about her steve irwin conspiracy
Just wrestled a cop. He won my shorts. I won my freedom. In fishnets and army boots. still headed to the party. would appreciate pants, but not necessary.
I smell like gasoline and adventure.
I would ask what did you do but I feel like who did you do is probably more appropriate
The police report said "I asked the suspect if he had any identification. He replied yes and gave me a Pizza Hut gift card"
you know you're drunk when you start breaking down your body composition into organic molecules
I'm still alive btw, in case you were worried about my well being.
Just walked out of the train bathroom after having sex and got a round of applause from the passengers. Definitely the best part of the trip.
Masturbated while waiting for my face mask to dry, so it was a productive night.
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Randomize
