So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
she burped and cried multiple times. it was like i was getting head from a baby.
I just had a Brazilian done for this guy. He's getting first-date sex whether he wants it or not.
It was huge And he was twirling it around. Im telling you, beautiful wonderpenis
We call it "Dishes: Hard Mode". Basically whoever is doing dishes gets head but needs to finish the dishes before they cum.
And so far nothing been broken!
How the fuck you gonna play love don't cost a thing in a strip club?
all my money is vodka money
I have never read a truer sentence.
I am in an eBay bidding war over a build a bear one direction tshirt, this is who you choose to bone
You told the bartender at least five times that you were naming your son "Jagermeister" but you would use the bartender's name "Fernando" as his middle name. You were drunk.
He snorted adderall on my table. I have a feeling he's not trying to buy me flowers
I'm in Florida in a retirement community the fuck am I supposed to do but watch tv and disgrace Jesus
Got caught peeing in public. Sucks. It was a police station. Sucks worse.
Why did I not realize how important my fridge was till I was drunk. It keeps all my food cold its like my own cold box
He kept saying "i'm lost" while he was sitting on his couch...
It's a classy one I promise! Their toilets are cushioned an tier wifi is named hummingbird
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