When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
Took it a bit far last night. While leaving his house, I sent myself a text that said, 'you're still pretty"
Just wondering did you put mouse traps and brownies on my porch?
u girls! girls! girls! have fun please don't hook up w/ a roadie! Love, mom
Delete her number from his phone. He keeps slurring how he's going to get her "all sorts of pregnant".
Just served breakfast to a bunch of hella drunk kids. They kidnapped the birthday boy for his 21st and he was wearing a disney onesy and bunny ears. They've been drinking since before dawn, why don't we have friends like that?
You work today? I woke up with a raging boner that was whispering your name
We lost power at midnight which freaked out my roomate and friends. The power came back on 30 minutes later. We are now at the bar having "the rapture came and we were left behind" shots
Her instagram is literally selfies, cats, and guys she's fucked.
I bought the restaurant a boat airhorn to wake up sleeping employees.
I love you
I was like sure, i'll have a drink or two to end the night early. Next thing i know theres a ton of dudes in my house and like 3 gallons of wine. I cant do anything in moderation.
They are like untrained puppies reaking havoc on a newly furnished house. Out of control.
You just compared our vaginas to a newly furnished house...I can dig it.
We are totally like Jim and Pam, except ya know, drunk and not together anymore.
I probably should have told her I was actually the drunkest one there before she let me pierce her ear
Woke up way too warm in the middle of a spooning sandwich. Was working up a rant about still not wanting a threesome. Then I realized the littlest spoon was the dog. Might need to break up anyway.
Randomize
