I came back to the apartment and he was waiting for me, covered in mustard.
needless to say I left
I've heard semen is good for your skin though, so that pimple on my chin should clear right up.
I wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commercials.
So not only just find my adoption papers that I didnt know about in my parents house, but they say "child shows some signs of mental retardation".
Even Lady Gaga hates Purdue
i chipped my tooth tryin to cut thru her pantyhose. that stuff is bulletproof.
If there was a game called "keeping your legs shut," I would lose every time.
Were making a bet for which twin will relapse while in rehab. I'm going for the chubbier one
He said he forgot to take his shoes off, and that he was a bad boy because he was walking on the carpet. Then he sang. Then he shouted "I'M STILL FORGETTING."
You texted me "Americans are sad" and "chicken coop disaster" without any further explanation.
yeah, I said "hi, I'm the creepy old guy at the college bar" and she said that she like mature men, wasn't expecting that line to work
A houseboat for a bachelor party is a terrible idea, we nearly die when on dry land, so how the hell are we supposed to survive a 3 day binge on a massive lake?
I've just never heard the term serendipitous used to describe having one's asshole licked.
You know you've been on Tinder too long when you're the guy cropped out of the profile pic. Of a woman you're still seeing...
when you come over can you bring tequila and my birth control? Thanks girl!
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