My grandma paid her handyman in pain killers. I now know why this is in my genes
just a heads up, there may or may not be a mailbox full of the leftover beer on the table in your basement.
I found a sock full of anal beads in my dryer. At least she washes them.
I just had a boat ride of shame. With Senior Citizens.
My professor just used the phrase "balls deep in your mind". My day is officially made.
You demanded I give you a glass of water, so I set it down in front of you and you knock it over and roll in it..,
I wanted to be a dolphin.
Accidentally hit on the same girl twice at the bar, she give me her number both times though so I think its cool.
By the time the opening band finished, she was already slurring, coming on to the gay couple next to us, and waving her panties in the air.
It makes me really sad that some people start their saturdays running or biking instead of with 3 shots of tequila, a sausage biscuit, freaks & geeks and 2 orgasms.
Hey man, sorry about punching you in the face, also about turning the shower on you. I just really wanted you to drink some water.
He bought you footie pajamas. Shit's pretty serious.
Pro: She likes to masturbate to 50 shades of grey. Con: She reads 50 Shades of grey non-ironically.
it was one of those unspoken contracts of silence like "I teach your daughter and you work at a strip club"...I don't tell if you don't
But Keith is doing MDMA for New Years and he's 39.
Keith has a beautiful 20 year old girlfriend, a good job and a cute puppy. We can't all be Keith.
But I want to be Keith.
and then you proceeded to throw soup at him for calling you a bitch...a CAN of soup...
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