we just toasted to your mouth on alex's balls at the bar
no... you woke up naked next to the toilet because you said your outfit was too cute to throw up in
I just spent all my babysitting money on red cups and beer.
People still let you watch their kids?
he designed a suit out of pillows to protect himself when he fell.
engineering majors are such efficient drunks.
2010 has been the year of the Eskimo brother. Let's see how many igloos we can shack in next year
It's like being the dunk pilot of a plane full of pornstars and drunkenness.
Just found the cutest bag of coke under my bed. I'm going to get fucked up and bleach the cat vomit out of my sheets.
he was once again the drunkest girl at the party
There was a tour on campus today, and there were two girls i went to high school with in the group. They saw me and ran up to me as i was unlocking my door. when i opened it, kate was laying in a pile of glitter and beer cans. We need to reevaluate.
It was his birthday this weekend. I had to carry him 6 blocks, in 3 inch heels. The entire time he was trying to molest me, eat my face, and try to stop every two feet to tie his shoe. He would light a cigarette, forget about it, almost burn everyone, throw it out, then decide he wanted to smoke. He kept repeating that he trusts me with his life.
...Wow...
I could be a kindergarten teacher
I told her the only thing I had going for me was my huge cock. She said she was willing to overlook my other shortcomings.
don't care how drunk i am. my dick was like "nope, not doing it, you can't make me and i was like oh yes i can"
I feel like I'm going to shit out a Big Mac
Dressing as mugato from zoolander Halloween you may want to be the hand model. We can get you a fish bowl filled with Clementine Vodka and soda you can put your hand in.
The only people who really get me are strippers and mascots for sports teams.
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