One minute shes telling me about her volunteer work then she whips out a 12 inch dildo
The problem with having your drunkeness documented at a wedding is not only does it show up all over facebook, but all over professional photography websites.
I don't know. I guess at the end of the day I wanted taco bell more than a boyfriend.
Totally get that.
She thought someone was breaking in but when I said it was me she got even angrier and threw a coffee mug at my head.
Numbies before the dentist, such a good idea.
I'm about to airblow my boyfriend. I'll three-way you.
Unless your apartment has 3 am pancakes Im not coming over.
I wanted to make fun of someone saying that to an untrained ear, skrillex is blah blah blah. But it was too soon after they said it. And now I can't find it. These are real problems.
I stole a tiki torch last night and just returned it. Things have been better.
WHY DID YOU INVITE ALEX?!?
Because she offered to bring a keg.
And also because you fucked her in an alley last week and I'm trying to be a good friend.
God is tempting me with everything tonight. Brownies and dick, mostly.
Just let me suck your dick and be happy. Let me have this.
Ate his Chinese food and drank his beer and played with his chihuahua. All while wrapped in a towel while he was sleep.
The amount of illegal things I've done this weekend is astounding.
Hey! Its not the first time I've been eaten out in a bridesmaids dress in a church by a groomsman!
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