never try to heat up a hot pocket in the dryer if ur microwave breaks...bad idea.
I don't know what's worse, the fact that my parents own a sex swing or the fact that my little cousin was playing on it
Due to our sore throats we are now doing bong hits with cranberry juice to sooth it.
If you try to operate on me with a Bic pen and vodka, I'm never talking to you again
So hungover. They actually hid easter eggs around me.
Lightning struck the tree right outside of her window as I came inside her. I think its God's way of saying go by plan b.
I told her I had the flu when in reality I did way too many drugs last night, haven't slept and don't want to sit through a 3 hour buisness meeting trying to figure out which voices are real and which are in my head
I BIT YOU IN THE DINING ROOM. I bit you and you crunched
I have way too big of a thanksgiving food baby to enjoy any of my old high school booty calls
He walked straight into the wall, said "excuse me ma'am" and continued back to his dorm room.
You are so lucky you didn't go back to Tate's house. They decided to figure out who had the biggest balls... I was the judge
Making a mobile stripper pole for the back of my truck memorial weekend. Is where dignity goes to die
Like real life can suck my metaphorical dick right now.
We literally solved our fight using cat pictures on Instagram. True love.
Walking into her house she felt something in her bra.... It was a used condom. Sadly enough this is not the first or last time it will happen. It's time for an intervention.
Randomize
