I just tried to put my feet in my slippers and found cans of beer in them. Christmas in fucking july.
She better not be too drunk to operate a blowtorch
I'm currently bartering with this guy so I can fuck his bi girlfriend. We're at 5 pizzas and he gets to watch us make-out.
I was cracked out naked on a toilet pretending I was posing for playboy.. Shit got weird, but apparently I had a good bday.
It's that moment where you find out the girl you've been dating for 6 months is a mob daughter. Post breakup.
So the next three days will be henceforth known as the 'celebration of the end of the most irresponsible years of my life' be prepared to wake up naked in a ditch.
Out of control sex drive for a girl? I just masturbated in the bathroom at my in-laws house before dinner....
you were drunkenly making out with a 20-something in front of your wife. at least the guy your wife left with was decent looking.
Just walked into the library with a case of Strawberitas in hand.. no one said a word.. I think they were just impressed I knew where the library was
I jumped out of a moving car going sixty into my driveway because I had to shit so bad. It is not a good day today.
I swear, when I turn 21 in four months, I'm going to carry a flask around with me, and make a drinking game out of everything.
So i had a lucid dream about blowing myself. This is why people love me
He's a cop. Do you know how many times I've said fuck the police? This is my chance. I'm taking it.
He started talking about getting a puppy together. So of course I went down on him later
Remember, today is also the anniversary of Harambe's death. D**** out.
Randomize
