Plan B is the new Plan A
It was my birthday today and i decided that i am not checking my notifications on facebook so ill feel popular
Wrong number and your a loser
All my problems are solved. I just got McDonalds and scratch off lottery tickets.
Have you ever chased with pilaf before? Because dont.
At the pride parade. It's not even noon and I'm drunk as shit... for equality of course
she's living proof man. somebody has literally pissed in the gene pool
If I die young bury me in satin. And make sure there's a taco bar at my funeral.
I have a friend that keeps saying he wants to go bear hunting. Thought I would say just walk down church street at night. What intersection is it?
Will do. If it all falls thru I'm just gonna set up a sprinkler in my back yard and run thru it while taking jello shots. Perfect alternative to my 29th bday.
Lets get drunk and then you just wraps me into a present because that sounds like fun after the past 3 glasses of wine I drank
Yes, if by 'finishing my business' you mean vomiting in her bathtub and losing my watch.
She's the queen of dating. She managed to get a date with a guy who saw her puke five times in two hours.
You tipped the Uber driver extra for taking your phone away while you were drunk texting
I ripped my favorite bra in half last night while I was undressing in a drunken rage.
What was the rage all about?
He wouldn't stop to let me get McDonald's french fries.
Hope you’re getting action boo.
Definitely no. I woke up next to a bag of McDonald's.
Randomize
