And I just remember seeing him for the first time and being like, who is this ape of a man? Like legit he could be the missing link
We need to rekindle our bromance
Last day of classes. 1st day attending every class. I'm proud of myself
Question: Is it too early to claim April Fools on the text "can we do some lines before the concert" that I accidentally sent Mom?
We were playing hot potato with real potatoes at 3am
I told you, I don't give a SHIT about their music. I JUST. WANT. TO FUCK. THE BASSIST.
you were so blacked last night that you jumped in the lake fully clothed, then just went back to the bar and walked around like you weren't soaking wet.
I did it on acid. I can cook bacon on any condition
This girl I interned with got engaged today and I'm just like over here taking plan B with my tacos and PBR.
He had all the grace of a fucking hippo and the emotional control of a five year old
well at least you didn't have your nipples chewed last night
I don't know man. She said my cock made her promises my heart couldn't fulfill.
He made me chicken tenders and margaritas in preparation for me to take a pregnancy test at his place later tonight. Like...seriously.
Sorry I didn't call this morning. Ended up with a decorated war veteran last night who besides finding the enemy, KNEW where the fuck my G spot was. He gets a medal in my book!
I'm not fucking you with a Stormtrooper helmet on!
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