smoked weed with Joakim Noah last night....if he was half as fast to the basket as he is to grab a joint from me we'd have another championship on our hands
It was all about her orgasm last night. I felt like a human dildo.
He's like the houdini of condoms. I never even realized he put one on before we fucked. he's magical.
there's unknown territories my dick was not made to discover
When you awake you'll realize that your car is missing....just know that I had it and becuz of your car I hooked up with the hot bar tender that looks like that guy from bay-watch however I parked it in a loading zone and it was towed...that sex was TOTALLY worth it love you
It's like a challenge who can be the biggest embarrassment to the family. I win 80% of the time.
Seriously, I want to give you a plaque thanking you for your dedicated service to my vagina.
Shits getting dirty between us in her dad's bedroom. I'm talking early millennium rap and r&b
My dream of watching a live dick sword fight might never be realized now. Currently sobbing, shots to follow
It's two in the afternoon, I'm on my third glass of wine and I'm watching Lambchop on youtube. How do you think I feel right now?
Like I would feel weird too if you just cancelled our wedding, cut off all your hair and started twerking everywhere
I can't tell if this is a hangover or just a perfect combination of shame and regret
My room looks so cute. Who wouldn't want to hook up with me in here?
At what point in a new hookup do you tell the guy you need to wear a mouth guard when you sleepover because of your TMJ? Asking for a friend.
This girl in my class is lecturing my professor about zombies. It has been going on for 15 minutes.
Zombies?
Zombies.
Randomize