I'm going to get a baby outfit made and send it to her that says: "My husband fucked his subordinate and all I got was another baby".
I'd suck anything for a pizza right now
my mom found me this morning spread out like jesus sleeping on the living room floor. i had a piece of bread over my eyes to block the light out
When I look at old family photos I know how jessica simpson feels when she watches dukes of hazzard
found used condoms and an omlet in my uggs. I'm disgusted but not surprised.
We sold so many girl scout cookies when we were little. What went wrong?
You drunk dialed me and told me to jump out of my second story window so I could give you head. I almost considered it.
Mom just posted ur drunk pix from Cancun in the newly made "My not-so-fantastic son" album. Thought you should know.
He leaned over in the middle of the movie and said "My dick's name is Juan". WHO DOES THAT?
I met a pornstar at his bachelor party and signed his shirt giving him wedding advice
He literally took a shit in my bathroom and then broke up with me.
Sexting Captain while emailing my eharmony match about my low key weekend is hard.
He was having this drunk emotional breakdown and I was just trying to cheer him up but instead fell and dumped the whole pickle jar on me
It was cool though because he was fine afterwards and somehow I convinced them I did it on purpose...
Next time you have him paint you an outfit so you can do you walk the street naked TAKE A SHOWER BEFORE YOU GET IN THE BED. MY sheets look like like an acid trip
ANIME MEN ARE MAKING ME QUESTION MY SEXUALITY AGAIN
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