Excuse me do you have gonnorhea?
Walked into this guys room, saw a tickle me elmo under his desk with white stains in its mouth. This is awkward.
Now he's talking about how he's writing in a journal because he doesn't remember "his thought patterns when he was in elementary and that's distressing". I'm walking home. Fuck this.
She said to delete the bj video, but I accidentally hit the 'send to her bf' button. My bad
Friday was tragic. I was naked on top of him and he didn't have a condom. Oh and he had an Obama poster on the wall in front of his bed so our president was staring down at me while I was naked. I felt sorta bad.
You should've just screamed yes we can!
I don't know if its because i'm stoned or what but painting my kitchen yellow makes it look crooked
Sometimes you gotta take mushrooms and swim on a rooftop pool to figure out your relationship
after the shots you kept on yelling "this is for the dreamers"
you puked in the bathtub and said "let them pee"
Can't. Busy recovering from the worst pulled muscle of my life that I got either from excessively acrobatic boning or carrying a huge fucking ice luge down the street while wearing 4 inch heels
It's all a blur. I just remember holding some strangers baby
Yah. Thai people are way too trusting
We have angered the beer gods. It feels like I'm shitting angry cats.
the cop found his r2d2 bong and asked me if i ever smoked out of him. i'm like, no sir. he's like ahh. if i were to smoke, it'd definitely be out of some star wars character.
easily made my night.
The dog destroyed my vibrator and swallowed several pieces. Vet gave us a laxative so now I’m checking lots of dog shit and having no orgasms. Plus the cute vet knows I don’t get enough dick, so that’s just great
lord you gonna make me abandon my soup for tasteful catboy nudes
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