My cat gives me a boner
How do I say to her "Have you eaten mango lately because my penis had an allergic reaction"
becoming an adult blows. i don't think its possible for me to wake up for anything that doesn't involve kegs and eggs or half naked bums passed out in our yard.
Just found custom condoms. Guess I'm not getting any work done today.
thank you for tagging me in all my pictures as "skank" and yourself as "made by the hands of God"
Taking shot for every red box on your worst bracket. I have 30. I might die tonight.
apologized to him about 10 times for being drunk. told him about 15 times that he was "really pretty"
You would be too ashamed to ever love me again if you saw the filth I just created. It brings unspeakable dishonor to the nacho dynasty. Like I raped the king's daughter, cut off her hands and made him eat them that's how hard I fucked up nachos.
I just saw a guy in a sombrero and holding an inflated blow-up doll in all her "glory" get escorted out of the mall. I hate Marley.
Gave him an awesome blow job on his living room couch last night, so at least he'll have something nice to think about next time he's watching the Tigers lose.
Don't think anyone else in the building has a lunchbox full of yay
Hey there's a sandwich in there too!
i officially have over $300 in my bank account. that's a year's worth of chipotle.
First. I had the strength. Now. I am the death.
I gave him a BJ in the shower
I just fell and it seemed like a good idea when I was down there
I’d feel the same about religion. We can talk about it, but I want you to go down on me first
Randomize
