I fink we're distracting them from bumping the proverbial uglies
i found the vodka. it was hiding in the orange juice.
She looked like cheddar but tasted like limburger...
Topless wife handwashing shirt. Tonight marriage is good.
Any girl that compares her vag to a hot ham sandwich is beyond a slut
i am making flyers for the homeless letting them know about free chipolte day
can you put a coffee maker in the dish washer? yo know what, nvm i want to be surprised
Just gave my manager part of my viccodin stash-my job is basically secured forever.
I woke him up and he was mumbling something about it being moist, or he peed himself but it was okay.
A girl at the bar is wearing green body paint instead of a shirt. Where are you?!
there's a strong possibility i came on your eyeliner last night bathroom sex was unplanned and rather messy sorry
Would you judge me if I made John grow a bush while he is in Cancun so he doesn't cheat on me?
Day one of being single and I've came three times. I can get used to this.
yeah, but I wanna be the girl that makes him realize he's 100% gay
Baked out of my mind. Went in the bathroom, a daddy long leg spider and a carpenter ant are battling it out on the floor. I brought my computer with some dubstep.
OMG THE ANT WON
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