i just woke up to that girl in my doorway. I kid you not. Tan and lime green thong on. peeing on the carpet in the hallway. Then she collapsed. There is a load of towels in the wash. Just thought you should know when you wake up. Gross.
Its alot easier to hide alcohol when your wearing a toga..
everythings easier when your wearing a toga.
You compared your dick to a twizzler. In no way, shape, or form is that a turn on.
So his "youporn" cam totally caught me stealing quesadilla leftovers.
you sat in the middle of your kitchen floor feeding your dog blueberries one by one
I can't wait for paintbang. I'm going to throw a marker at a child. There will be bail money in my backpack in m trunk. Don't use it on beer.
I can't wait to get home and brush the fuck outta my teeth.
Literally.
Three Asian guys got on the elevator with a handle of Hennessey and a sleeping bag. This is not the start of a joke.
I'm trying to make sure he doesn't drown in the toilet. Because I'm a nice lady.
You can't do wine Netflix and blow jobs in the bed you've had since 5th grade with your parents downstairs
Pretty sure we ruined a bachelorettes life last night
She lured me back to her place with pizza and tits. I was totally helpless
She yelled Carpe Diem when she orgasmed. Is it too early to marry her?
ugh my stomach is so upset-- didn't get a chance to take a violent enough hangover shit at work
His penis is average but his stamina is amazing!!! I didn’t know I had that many orgasms in my body!!!!
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