We were chasing that deer in the quad and next thing I remember I woke up in my RAs bed. I'm probably in trouble.
wanna go halves on a baby?
shit is crazy. i just keep thinking that this kid growing inside Emily used to live in my balls.
I have no idea what happened after 2 AM. I woke up on my bike, in my bed, with a deep thigh bruise.
He tried to stick it in and I asked him what he wanted to name our child and he quit.
I feel like an ass. I'm not blacking out ever again. I want to clean your feet for a year. Just like Jesus did.
Suppose hypothetically u received a request for face time communication with a gentleman who looked astonishingly like a penis. Would you indulge him in conversation? Hypothetically of course.
Just got a handjob from a 19 year old in front of the Parthenon. The Greek god of debauchery would be proud.
Lock the bathroom door next time you are going to masterbate with the shower head, okay?
I was just power-washing my vagina.
I was riding him and in the middle he literally said "fuck yeah, Amy Winehouse"
Ok. I'm gonna smoke some weed and look at some elephants without you then.
Your ability to eat ass like its your job and yet turn down quinoa because it's "gross" is confusing.
I was the oldest, shortest, and soberest at the New Years party last night. My life sucks
My idiot ex texted me on Valentine's day to tell me I was right, he did need a therapist.
Sex in a tree, bucket list CHECK!
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